Crying Uncle

I know people mean well and so they say that scars add character or scars fade (some don’t) or it’s better to be scarred than have cancer. I know they all mean well and that no one knows the exact right thing to say but no one but me has to look in the mirror. This is my 7th surgery over the past 4 years and from those 7 surgeries I’ve lost my hair, the ability to wear a wig, the full use of my left shoulder, and have now gained a big noticeable scar right there in the middle of my face. I’ve lost so much and so much damage has been done to me, it’s overwhelming.

I’m so grateful to God to be cancer-free and the rational me knows appearances shouldn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but yesterday, which I thought would be nothing, was my undoing. I accepted waking up with no hair, I accepted in order to help my head heal I’d have to lose some use of my arm, I accept the radiation treatments that saved my life also damaged my skin and I will probably never be fully healed, I accepted that my nose would have a scar from the first Mohs surgery. How much more am I supposed to just accept and be okay with?

Why is this happening to me? To whoever I’ve wronged or for whatever I’ve done to fuck up my karma so bad, I’m sorry. I’m crying uncle. For whatever it is that I have done, you’ve successfully punished me. I am broken. Please stop.

2 Comments to "Crying Uncle"

  1. March 21, 2014 - 2:56 am | Permalink

    First of all, I’m sending you so much love and hugs right now.
    Second, I HATE HATE this expectation that because we’ve had cancer and are still here afterwards, somehow we must now be grateful for every single thing because, hey! It beats cancer. And hey! It’s better than not being here anymore.
    Screw that. You take all the time you need to process all these procedures and scars and everything else you’ve been through. Not that you need it from me, but I give you full permission to not just accept it and not just be okay with it. Someday, you might be. But you don’t have to be today and in my book you don’t have to ever.
    And I don’t believe in karma anymore at all. Not a bit.
    I don’t think you’ve done ANYTHING to deserve this. You are human – you have good days, you have bad days. Sometimes we can be mean and sometimes we can give more to another than we ever thought possible. But since I’ve met you, I’d bet a million dollars that you’ve done more good, kind, wonderful, giving things in your life than not. And this is not karma.
    I don’t know what it is. And I don’t think you deserve it. And I don’t know why it happens.
    I do know that I’m sorry you are broken and I wish I could fix it. And I wish that you have nothing more happen.
    xoxo

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